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Obama, Romney to brutally murder each other at debate tonight
Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will be stabbing each other to death with kitchen knives tonight on live TV. Related posts: Republicans divided on how best to brutally murder Occupy Wall Street...
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DEBATE COVERAGE: Obama, Romney agree to share presidency
“We have decided to both be president at the same time,” Obama explained Wednesday night. Related posts: Obama, Romney to brutally murder each other at debate tonight Does Obama’s March Madness...
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DEBATE COVERAGE: Obama, Romney both drunk right now, aides confirm
“They’re both totally blacked out,” those close to the campaigns told reporters Wednesday night. Related posts: DEBATE COVERAGE: Obama, Romney agree to share presidency Obama, Romney to brutally...
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Presidential Debate: Undecided Voters React
Last night, Americans watched as two rich, power-hungry sociopaths publicly humiliated each other for a whole 90 minutes. This newspaper has received some 200 letters from viewers of last night’s...
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PHOTO: As election approaches, Chavez asks Venezuelans to give him 14 more...
“I just need 14 more years to finish things up around here. 168 more months is all I ask. Seriously, what’s another 5,110 days? Cut me some goddamn slack.” Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez pleaded...
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Romney: New report shows that not every single person in country has a job
Attempting to capitalize on a Labor Department report that the nation’s unemployment rate had dropped significantly in September, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney pointed out that every single person...
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WEEK IN AUTOCRACY, 30 Oct – 6 Nov 2012
The pope’s former butler, Pablo Garbriele, was sentenced to 18 months in prison for leaking confidential documents that revealed corruption within the Vatican. In explaining the tough sentencing,...
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Venezuelans vote to keep awesome 14-year-long revolution going
“Things really get to be revolutionary some time around the 16th year. I mean, everyone knows that that’s the most exciting and revolutionary year; although I have heard that the 24th year of a...
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American public demands to know winner of tonight’s debate in advance
“Tell us who has won already!” the American public demanded Thursday night, nearly 30 minutes before the vice presidential debate had even started. “Did Ryan come out on top? What did Biden say? Was...
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VP debate like movie where new, hotshot cop joins old, seasoned cop on new case
“Listen hotshot, buckle your seat belt, shut your mouth, and don’t piss your pants,” Biden told Ryan as the debate started Thursday night. Related posts: American public demands to know winner of...
View Article2010 footage of Putin fondling a puppy [VIDEO]
"This puppy is now mine and I will do as I please with it, including taking its young life if I need to," Russian President Vladimir Putin told reporters before slitting the puppy's throat and crying...
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King of Cambodia, who graciously let U.S. kill his subjects, now also dead...
Thousands of Cambodians are mourning the death of former King Norodom Sihanhouk, who died today, by passing around a gigantic card that reads “We will miss you, dearest king. Thank you for allowing...
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Obama to take only 20 mg of Valium before tonight’s debate
“I’ll be limiting myself to only one scotch and half of my desired dosage of Valium,” Obama told cheering supporters at a rally earlier this afternoon. “I do this because I want to be ready to fight...
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[Debate Coverage] Romney to Obama: “I will bring physical harm to your family...
Mitt Romney started off Tuesday night’s debate with what appeared to be a threat to the president’s family. “I’m not saying I will hurt you, but what I am saying is that you and your family will be in...
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Romney: “I will create jobs as President, although government doesn’t create...
At Tuesday’s debate, Mitt Romney made a convincing case that he would create jobs while working in the government despite the fact that the government doesn’t create jobs. “See if you guys can follow...
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FACT CHECK: Both candidates lied the entire time about everything
Both Obama and Romney lied throughout the entire debate, the entire time, about everything. They did this all in Spanish to throw the audience off. Well, that debate sure was tedious, now wasn’t it?...
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Poll: Americans care less about immigration reform, more about remake of...
Voters have indicated that, unlike healthcare and immigration reform, a remake of RoboCop is long overdue. A new Daily Autocrat poll released in New York on Wednesday indicates that, while voters are...
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WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: 14-20 Oct 2012
Following a deadly blast in neighboring Lebanon on Friday, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad condemned the bombing as “a terrorist act, perpetrated by a cowardly and inhumane individual. I should say,...
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Candidates fail to adequately express undying love for Israel
In Monday’s debate, Obama and Romney by and large neglected to pay sufficient homage to Israel, having only declared their love for the country 34 times. The candidates also missed the opportunity to...
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Right-wing CEOs lead really unhip and scary get-out-the-vote campaign
“A high-quality spanking might do you some good,” Trump notified Romney before spanking him. Some of you may remember that early in Obama’s term there was one issue more important than anything else...
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